The doctors, consultants and nurses call me ‘the walking miracle’. People ask what made the difference. How did I beat cancer? What insights could I impart? I am not sure I know all the answers and a part of me is still coming to terms with it. There are mental and emotional challenges in surviving cancer. You are never cured and only ever in remission. It has certainly changed things. I am much more aware of my own mortality. Yet I feel stronger in some respects, more resolute in myself and less egoistic.

When I was first diagnosed with lymphoma, I knew very little about it. I didn’t even know that there were various stages of cancer, four stages to be exact. I had stage four which meant that the lymphoma had spread outside of the lymph system into an organ that is not right next to an involved node which basically meant that it had spread to either the bone marrow, liver, brain or spinal cord, or the pleura (thin lining of the lungs). Basically, my cancer was widespread and the reality was there is no stage five. I was given a stack of leaflets and information. There was literature on the treatment regime and a long list of potential side effects to expect. The treatment was kill or cure and the odds were 50-50 at best. The treatment regime was brutal. They told me that it was unlikely that I would get every side effect listed. In truth, I experienced every single side effect listed including some rare occurrences.

There is a heightened sense of awareness that comes when one’s life is in danger. Learning to resonate with one’s mortality can either be soul destroying or immensely liberating. To understand the fullest dimensions of ourselves, we need to allow ourselves to feel deeply. Committing oneself to a treatment regime takes concentration. Cancer forced me to come to terms with what it was to suffer. Yet it was suffering not simply in the form of physical pain but also in the mental and the emotional. In a way, this concentration forced me to direct my energies towards a certain consciousness.

I realised that I could not simply rely on medical interventions alone to cure the physical ills without my also making the necessary psychic connections. To accept one’s personal suffering rather than to deny or flee from it takes courage and determination. Committing yourself to achieving understanding involves a level of ruthless honesty. So often, we fail to acknowledge that the very essence of our character, of who we think we are, is in fact only the expressions of our belief in our physical well being and the security of our surroundings. Destroy the fabric of this belief and understanding and the very courage and composure we cling to becomes the very fodder for all the insecurities and angst that lie hidden underneath. There everything feels insecure, temporary, and held within a fragile circle that is easily breached.

To feel deeply, to know the fullest dimension of ourselves, I guess we must be willing to feel everything. We must be able to look at pain, loss and even death, be able to see joy, love, and life. In times of crisis, it is sometimes harder to be kinder to ourselves than we are to others. Ultimately, the question we need to ask ourselves is what is the purpose of my life? For me, the journey of one’s life is not marked by the acquisitions that you have, not by the prominence and accolades you have received but rather by the individuals that you have engaged with. The ones who can bear witness to all that you are and with whom you share your hopes, aspirations, desires, fears and sorrows. The people that you can call the companions that travelled with you on your soul’s journey.

To find meaning and efficacy in one’s experience, we need to reflect on the journey and history of one’s life and attempt to understand the events and trials passed through that have contributed most to your personal development and growth.